New Neighbors
It’s a beautiful clear night. I decide to forget the coat and run outside into the cold night and make my way to the garden. The path is crunchy underfoot but the snow feels soft. A ribbon of fluffy snow winds its way through the garden and gently curves up the hill to the courtyard garden of the new neighbors’ house. I give a quick stomp right before I step inside and ask if I can trade the lemon in my hand for a lime. My mom is standing there in her apron. We touch base, discuss what each is cooking tonight then switch our citrus and I run home to finish the recipe I abandoned. As I pad down the path to my kitchen door I can’t believe how lucky I am to have these new neighbors.
I grew up a Navy junior, a daughter of two Navy juniors themselves. Two generations of moving every few years and always being far from family, has made me appreciate mine and having them close. Even still, I went to college far away, then graduate school further still, and started my professional life half a country away from my family. I am like so many American’s who venture off and never seem to return. Growing up, we were lucky on two occasions to be stationed near family. My Dad attended the USN War College in Newport RI at the same time my Uncle Pete and Aunt Toni were there. What a great year we had, enjoying many family suppers and adventures together. My sisters went to the same school as my cousins, we all learned to sail together, and were an all-kid crew on my uncle’s sailboat. Having that extra family made moving to a new place easier. I loved having the bonus ‘parents’ and ‘siblings’, in my aunt and uncle and cousins. Later my dad was stationed at the Pentagon at the same time my Uncle Chuck was, and again we were close to our Williams cousins. My sister shared a paper route with our cousin Ben, we all swam at the same summer pool swim team, and I even coached my younger cousin in the diving team. My Aunt Janet was one of the regular Early Bird swimmers at the pool where I was a lifeguard. If I was late, she would show up at my house in her swimming garb. For many folks this isn’t a big deal, but for us, it was special. I guess the grass does seem greener. I have spent much of my adult life only seeing my parents and extended family on vacations and holidays.
When my Grandmere died, I realized I really missed being close to my family. Over a holiday visit that winter, we sat down with my parents and talked about what their plans for the future were. Talking with your parents about their third act isn’t always easy, but after seeing how the events around my Grandmothers death went, I wanted to bring it up so we could plan. I wanted to make sure their wishes were respected as well as be comfortable myself with what would be coming. My parents were coming to the realization that their beloved Camp Catlett in New Jersey was getting to be a lot for them to keep up with. They loved the lifestyle and the property and the gardens but it was a lot of work. At the time, Ed and I were looking for a farm property but we didn’t have the capital to invest. At some point I think my Dad suggested that we find an appropriate property where we all could live. And we were off..
Nothing happens without a hiccup or two and we had our share of a few, but eventually all the planets aligned and we found this farm in Sugar Creek. Mom, Dad, Ed and I bought the whole 40 acres, which consisted of an old run down farm cottage, a couple of barns, and a few other outbuildings, a pond, pastures, 20 acres of good cropland, a beautiful west facing vista of wetlands, a garden and beautiful old oak trees. The plan was for us to rehab the cottage and for mom and dad to design and build a retirement home. They were ready to down size and instead of heading south with all the other snowbirds, they would move to the Sunbelt of the Midwest, Wisconsin, to help us restore this farm, and live a rural farm life as their third act.
And so they did. Camp Catlett sold the first week it went on the market. Dad designed a beautiful house, we got to work on our part, and they undertook the herculean feat of packing up 27 years of memories and goods and throwing it towards a new adventure. We found them a cute little rental in Delavan with a huge garage to store all their furniture and with the help of a fantastic young builder and good weather and great subcontractors, in a year their new home was built.
We have come a long way on our dreams for Brown Dog Farm, but we didn’t do it alone. Both my parents grew up with close relationships with beautiful tracts of farm and ranch lands. On both sides their ancestors made their livings farming or ranching. When I shared my enthusiasm for Holistic Management, my Dad read all of the Alan Savory tome. He has deep understanding of the role that healthy farming practices play in both the health of the American people and the environmental health of the planet. I think he wanted his third act to be actively supporting these efforts. This farm is what it is because of both generations. We could not have this without the energy and commitment of both generations. This is what feels right for us, but as I look around this is what has been good for many family farms. I know of four or five multi-generational farms within ten miles of our farm. We are following in the footsteps of many families in rural America.
I enjoy the close connection I have with my parents. The daily sharing of chores, meals, and events in our lives, enriches us in ways we never would have known. Yes, I sleep easier knowing they are just up the hill on the other side of the garden, I can be there in a moment’s notice, but I am so grateful for what they have added to my life. The companionship, the support, the laughing, the entertainment. I am amazed at how their presence has eased my anxiety. I feel more capable, more supported than ever. As Ed and I face the learning curves of farm life and restoration of an old farmstead, having their collective experience behind us makes a world of difference.
The next generation also benefits. When children come home, they have the added benefit of being close to their grandparents. Hearing their family histories recounted, having the opportunities to ask questions and be told things we might forget or not know. This is an added attraction to coming home. That goes for extended family also! More of us to visit.
There are the practical benefits of having another set of hands to help, weed the garden, hold a goat for shearing, let out the dogs, watch the house when you go on a trip, borrow a car, get a ride to the airport, chase the horses through the neighbors corn field, but there is also the added responsibility of caring for each other. There is deep joy and grace that responsibility brings. To be in relationship and work on it, even when you disagree, or argue. As the world becomes more divisive, we can all stand to learn a little patience and acceptance from time to time. Living multi-generational-ly helps us practice.
Having a challenge and working towards future goals, whether a bigger garden, planting an orchard, building stone walls, or growing our sheep herd, my parents are entering their third act with enthusiasm and curiosity. Yes there are set backs, physically and emotionally at times. Occasional stress is good though, for the body and for the mind. They stretch every day, really, literally and figuratively. I think it is keeping them active and engaged, though they have always been those types of people. They are great examples for Ed and me. I know as our children have left for college and beyond, having this multi-generational situation on our farm has eased the pain of the empty nest.
I wonder what our farm thinks of this. As we restore the cottage and the barn, the fields, and the pastures and as we raise the animals, the vegetables, the flowers and fruit, does it notice? Holistic management teaches us that to manage the land and the creatures that inhabit it, we have to think of the whole system, not the component parts but the ‘wholes within wholes”; how every piece affects the other. I think we are on to something here, it feels like it.
So, that is how we got to now. Next month I’m going to dive into the building of Mom and Dad’s house and how it works for them. I think there is a lot of good in thinking about how we design for later in life. How we make our homes more live-able. I’ll give you a tour of the cool things they worked in and how they are adjusting to their new home.
Let me know in the comments, your multi-generational stories,the good and the not so good, its all important to share and learn and to be present for each other.
